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I’m Not In A New York State Of Mind.

I’m an NYC girl at heart, and this is where I eventually want to live, raise a family, and grow old and grey, with a side of Botox from Manhattan’s leading dermatologist of course.

However, it’s all I’ve ever known. Aside from my short stint living off-campus (shoutout to SJU) during college, I’ve never been away from home, much less the state of New York, for that matter. It’s strange, because I’ve always been self-sufficient and independent and have a tendency to go against the grain. Yet, I’ve had all my schooling and work experience in NYC. My brother Ben, on the other hand, is a big mama’s boy, spoiled, and is somewhat of a homebody. Yet, from the time he was 17 (late birthday) he’s gone to school 500 miles away and come this fall, will be attending grad school in Philly. Not to mention, his career will probably take him across borders and oceans, whether he wants to go or not.

I just need to experience life on my own, outside of our awesome oddly-shaped state, and just live. The thing is, I’m not brave. I fear that my mom will get lonely. I fear that my friends will slowly forget about me, I fear that I will slowly forget about everyone else because I have a tendency to be emotionally detached. There were many times when I wanted to book a one-way ticket to LA and stop myself because I have no idea how I would support myself, plus I hate driving. I would also never live anywhere north of NYC because I hate the cold, and I would never live in a non-urban area. See, I’m my biggest obstacle.

Will I be able to give up on the convenience (and urine-scented hobos) of the MTA? The miles of shops, bars, food sources, and who knows what else? The millions of faces that cross my path on a daily basis? Happy hour with friends? Late night runs for junk food in the neighborhood?

You know what? I’ll start small. Maybe Philly won’t be so bad, since Ben will be there. I’ve considered the DC area as well, since I have friends and acquaintances not too far away. Maybe if I’m a really big wuss, I’ll pick Jersey, but then again I doubt my mom would let me move to Jersey if I can just commute. Afterall, I did spend a good portion of my day travelling to and from SJU (Never again do I want to ride on a D train for 55 minutes, then spend 25 on the E, and another 15 on the Q46. This is hardly including wait time for these Godforsaken modes of transport).

I know I will return one day, and maybe I’m just taking this city for granted, but NYC, and I? We need a break. I feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I often feel this way during the winter (S.A.D.D.?) but never, ever under the glorious rays of a proper NYC spring/summer have I felt this restless. I don’t need a vacation. I don’t need a weekend getaway. I need to take a leave of absence. It’s a journey away from home that I can’t avoid for too much longer. Some other state is calling out my name, but which one? Where?


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