Couldn’t think of a an appropriate picture to put in the heading and I’m not in the mood to be all crafty today, I just want to get it off my chest.
Anyway, my weekend was interesting, to say the least. It started out well, had dinner with my buddy Phil and then met up with my bff Ceci later on for drinks. We bumped into Phil’s 2 other friends at this bar and sat, ate, and drank for another hour or so. I’m not entirely sure how much Phil drank but he didn’t seem too be doing well, to say the least. I was actually pretty alarmed, I usually don’t see guys react the way he did to alcohol, and on top of that I rarely see him drunk anyway, so I didn’t know if this was normal for him. One of his friends commented that it was probably do to Phil’s insane new diet/lifestyle that was affecting his tolerance, I won’t disagree with that.
While the two guys went to party, Ceci and I (with drunk Phil in tow) decided to call it a night and cabbed it back to Ceci’s place in Queens. In between that time, we got out of our first cab after a few avenues because Phil felt sick and went to puke. He also walked upstairs to a condo and puked in their little garden. The doorman was not amused but I kind of was, haha. Since we were a block away from Ceci’s store, we walked there to use the bathroom. We then hailed another cab and went on our merry way. Phil kept apologizing every other minute and to be completely honest, Ceci and I were not mad at him at all. Thank goodness he wasn’t one of those big, heavy, messy ass drunks (AHEM, I will never forget how drunk Ray got at our first loft party in college. Let’s just say it was NOT fun being puked on by a guy significantly taller than me since his mouth is above my head, and the elevator decided to stop working so we had to lug his ass down 8 or 9 flights of stairs) because it made maneuvering him much easier. We really did have fun for those few hours, it was a laid back night and he really did not have anything to apologize for or being embarassed about. Shit happens! However, we got enough of his apologizing, giving slurred directions to the cabbie, and insistence on paying for our cab ride that I told him to just shut up and go to sleep. Well he did eventually shut up and go to sleep but not before he told me that I was ugly and no man would ever touch me. I know that was just the drunkness speaking but that really stung. However, it didn’t hit me too hard at the moment so it was easy to brush off, plus it’s a waste of time to talk reason to a drunk person who’s half way passed out in the back of a cab.
Come next morning, Phil was back to being himself, in fact, he was on his way to the gym at like, 8:30 AM or something. I met up with him a bit later and got an OK workout. I’ve become a lazy gym-goer, I haven’t gotten my “workout groove” back but I need to whip myself back into shape for beach season! I was feeling particularly ugly that morning (and I was hungry) so I decided to bring up Phil’s comments from the night before…and give him HELL for it like the bratty little bitch that I am. Seriously, I am such a biotch and a half when it comes to confronting people, I try to control myself but I can’t stop that snowball from collecting more bitchy snow once it starts rolling down that bitchy mountain. I need limits. Anyway, he has no recollection of saying such things and apologized profusely. I kept giving him a hard time, half because I really was offended but half of it was because I was somewhat amused and wanted him to feel bad. See? I told you I was a bitch. Anyway, workout ended, we got some food, and all through the meal it was somewhat awkward because Phil was hanging his head in shame and/or defeat because I found something wrong/insulting with anything that came out of his mouth. We finished eating, he kept apologizing, and I kept being a bitch. I ended up driving home and ready to relax at home.
I got home but I didn’t relax. The more I thought about it, the more angry I got at his comments. Then something just snapped and I started crying. I was crying so much I just ended up falling asleep. What the fuck was wrong with me, you may wonder? I’m not entirely sure. I do tend to get kind of lonely and depressed when I’m alone at home, but I am very sensitive about my appearance and I know, I KNOW that I used to be ugly. Even though I do feel that my appearance has improved over the years, I know full well that it didn’t happen without deliberate effort so I’m no “natural beauty” just to let you know. It also reminded me of the times Albert used to tell me I was ugly, or at least “too ugly to be dating him” and those words have always haunted me through the years. Needless to say, that sting never never went away and it reared it’s ugly head again in the back of a cab from the mouth of one of my friends, who has, for the most part always had nicer things to say towards the way I looked.
Ceci, who went to work that morning, told me that Phil dropped by her store with a card and lunch for her as an act of apology/thank you for getting drunk and having us take care of him. Although I do think that was an extremely considerate and nice gesture, I was a bit let down that he did not seem to have a sincere intention to do anything for me, someone who is a closer friend and someone he insulted. I texted him and told him he was an asshole and his response is what is still puzzling me..I deleted the text out of frustration but he responded something with the likeness of his tendency to sabotage relationships when he feels like he’s getting closer to someone. Do you have a “wtf?” face on right now? Because I STILL have my “wtf?” face on right now. I have no clue what to make of that but for some reason I wasn’t compelled to ask him to explain further at that moment. Yes, I’m an emotional sloth, apparently. I was perplexed, but most of all, very, very hurt and disappointed. For what felt like the first time since I’ve known him, I had no clue what he was saying. He has always been a straight forward, no bullshit beat around the bush kind of guy and me being the smartass that I am, thought I had him all figured out. Well obviously I don’t because I am still vexed over his comment. Seeing the negative side to everything, I immediately felt like he was trying to tell me that he was tired of seeing my face so frequently. He had mentioned a couple of times that we’ve been seeing each other quite a lot over a short period of time. While I had no problem with that, maybe he did. Well, could’ve fooled me, because he was the one that would invite me to hang out. Maybe he didn’t want me to be part of his little inner circle, maybe he thought we were getting too close for comfort for a guy and a girl who weren’t dating, maybe he’s in a secret relationship and felt guilty about hanging out with one of his female friends too much, who the hell knows? I wish I knew. But I felt like I was being broken up with or something. I was really sad, and started to cry again. Wow, when I cry, I just don’t stop, do I?
I had trouble sleeping, because there was still so much I wanted to say and so much I wanted to ask him, but I had a feeling I wouldn’t be satisfied by anything he had to say, plus he really wasn’t making any effort to further apologize to me, so maybe he was finally fed up with my bitchy self.
This morning, Ceci called me in the morning to ask how I was feeling. She knew how hurt and preoccupied about my insecure thoughts about Phil’s “ugly” comments and wanted to make sure I wasn’t still driving myself mad over them. The thing is, I didn’t feel better. I felt worse. I thought about how big of a bitch I was to someone who was sincerely sorry for what he had no recollection of saying but I not only refused to accept his apology, I just kept being a huge bitch about it. It wasn’t only this, I felt guilty about realizing what a great friend he was to me, and how crappy I was to him. To be fair to myself, I did start acting much kinder to him, and treating him like a true friend, because that’s what he is to me. I did all that I could to busy myself on this lazy Sunday so I wouldn’t feel like such crap…I think I even got a slight sunburn from walking to 8th Avenue and back without SPF (how DARE I?).
It’s 7:35 PM right now and I still feel like crap. This is the first time I felt like I couldn’t approach Phil about something, because I think this is the first time I really got this mad at him and was such a huge bitch about, which he didn’t deserve. For some reason, I feel like things won’t be the same between us, and that saddens me. I want to call him and talk things over but for some reason, I just don’t think it will be resolved. Once that awkwardness/tension exists, it’s hard to erase. I ruined my own weekend because I have no verbal filter sometimes. I wish we could immediately clear the air, hug, slap each other on the back and continue to be OK again. For all I know, he may no longer even be thinking about this issue, so maybe I should stop already. I just can’t help it, I feel terrible about my behavior. My friends are some of the most important people in my life and it just sucks that I let my temper disfigure our relationship. And that, is precisely why I feel very ugly on the inside right now.